I just noticed that I have not written in a full two weeks. Again. It is not because I haven’t wanted to but I had decided with the help of my stellar intern, Rachel, recent college graduate and my personal savior this past two months, to be completely focused on doing a first round edit of all of the writings I have already done. And done? Never done, but I had to come up with a cut off point and now seemed like as good as a time then ever. I have made it. I am alive. I have new boobs. I am fit and healthy and I can say I am on the other side. Fifty three and going strong.
585 pages of writing, SIX good sized pretend books on their way to the printer for the first run to take a look all neat and bound. My entire life for the past year and a half is bound up ready to be released in an orderly fashion for anyone who graces the doors of alayne white. I must confess, I am pretty excited and pretty proud of the results. I am in awe of how much work I have done this past year and I don’t know if I would feel as grounded, happy and adjusted if I hadn’t let all of these words work their way through me and out of me.
As I have begun the process of putting this massive amount of writing together, I am struck by rereading it and seeing where my thoughts were before, during and after. The anguish of the unknown is such a part of our human experience. No matter what mountains and trails lay ahead, the not knowing the ahead is the part of the travels that gives us the most excitement and the most fears. The emotions bing back and forth like a pinball machine. The not knowing is a part of the fears, but with the unique wisdom of retrospect, the unknown is a great example of using the angst as an excuse to just stay in the now.
I am guessing that the nervousness is the lack of control for control freaks like me. I have worked tirelessly and endlessly on trying to live in the almighty present. I have discovered activities that keep me in the glorious present, gardening, working out, writing, working, going to the movies, organizing are some examples for sure. All of these have kept me in my sense of the uninterrupted present. The work for myself for sure in this next however many years I have left on this planet is to stay present. The past is over with. The future is unknown and for all of the life events I have worried about in the past, worry hasn’t helped any of it and if anything, it has caused more problems. I have used words to replace worrier, like warrior instead. This always gives me a little internal shake up to bring me back down to earth and realize that this right now is all I have. This right now is enough just as it is. No amount of worrying will make me less of a warrior tomorrow when I have the luxury and privilege of waking up on the right side of the grass if this is what is intended. Stay present. Stay now. This always feels the best and it is a constant struggle or a planner like me, but patience and kindness is the answer to these struggles. For this, I am a happy warrior.