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I AM NOT SNOW WHITE

I AM NOT SNOW WHITE

Carpenter ants, nuclear size wasps, bats, deer, hawks, a single bunny. These are the insects and mammals that have decided to show up in my life this past week and in some cases, in my actual home. Like Snow White in the forest, these insects and mammals have decided that I am their go to gal for residence. Last week the bat appeared by deciding to fly around my son’s head while he was watching television causing the two of us to scream like little children. Thank goodness my very awesome boyfriend was over to help at least give us the illusion that he could do something about the bat. He managed to get it to fly into a room where he promptly shut the door. My son wasn’t buying that idea so off he went to Dave’s house, his dad, my former, to evade all possibilities of communing with the bat that evening. I thought we were done, that the bat had actually figured out how to get back out maybe the same way he got back in. Alfredo from Reliable Pest came blasting over first thing in the morning to let me know he couldn’t find the bat, but actually said aloud that it had probably found its way out (wink wink) until the next night when said bat started flying around the kitchen after my three superchick friends left. Thank goodness for small town business connection because I called my friend, Mike, Reliable Pest king, and within a nanosecond he came to the rescue.

Last week after my boyfriend kept reminding me to get someone (Mike again from Reliable Pest Control) to come and spray for the inordinate amount of large black ants having a regular exercise class on my back deck, black ant guy came and sprayed. “Do you have anything organic?” I asked. “Yes, of course the lovely woman on the other end of the phone said likely rolling her eyes and trying not to laugh aloud. “We have something less harmful.” “Great.” I replied. What a bunch of crap. Do I want to risk having ants take down my home or risk some horrible insecticide making its way into my BRCA2 genetically mutated body? Potentially causing another round of God knows what since it can’t show up as ovarian (no more ovaries), breast, (well we all know what happened to those). I still have my uterus and my cervix, there is something else that could be removed. OMG. Bats and ants and wasps. Last year it was bats and mice and sparrows. When I was doing my pretty little cash flow on how much money I would be saving in switching to owning versus renting, bat and black ant and wasp and mouse removal didn’t even enter the equation.

So yesterday after my neighbors Dottie and Gregg were in the front of my house pointing to the ground having a discussion about who knew what, I went outside to check in. Yesterday when I was watering, I noticed these gigantic sand hills in the front of my house. Apparently they made their way all the way down the street covering all three of our homes and it turns out they were some type of bad ass wasp. I mean these things looked almost prehistoric at first glance. I called Reliable Pest Control (I am surprised I am not on a first name basis with the woman on the other end, note to self- find out and remember her name because I am sure there will be a next time) and at the speed of the bat mobile, Alfredo took off his bat cape and put on his wasp cape. I have turned into an insect serial killer. I am sure if I took the time to research organic mixtures, some recipe for cayenne pepper and apple cider vinegar would come up that I could manually spoon down each wasp hole. Fuck that. I have a company to run, a 3900 square foot home to take care of and an excruciating wait to find out if my son is BRCA 2 positive. I don’t have the mental stamina to deal with the alternative.

On my bike ride with my dear friend, Peg the other day, a family of deer ran in front of us followed shortly afterwards by the head honcho buck himself looking right at us as he crossed to catch up to his family. Then there was the hawk I drove under while I was talking to same friend the next day. “It must be a sign,” I said so matter of factly because I seriously believe this. Signs from seeing deer and hawks seem much cooler than signs from seeing wasps, carpenter ants and bats flying around your home, agreed? You can actually look this up on google (where all information is true and well researched, right?) ‘

Symbolism of Deer- “symbolizes harmony, happiness and peace.” That is so nice. I’ll keep that one.

Symbolism of Hawk- “the hawk teaches awareness. The universe is trying to send you a message.” Another good one.

Symbolism of Carpenter Ants- “Patience Patience Patience, what you are working toward is coming.” Well as annoying as they are and as gross as the daily death clean up is, this one makes sense for sure.

Symbolism of Bats flying around your home twice in two weeks- “signifies that the transformation of the ego self is about to occur, the end of a way of life and the start of another.” Mmmm. Ok, I’ll take that.

Symbolism of wasps- “a symbol of evolution and control over our life circumstances.” Does this mean calling Reliable Pest every other day, because this is taking control over my life for sure. You must be cracking up reading this because who the hell thinks about looking up a symbolic meaning to a basic ant in their home anyway and even more amusing is that there is actually an answer when you look it up. Who knew, you are probably thinking. Yep Alayne knew.

Last night having dinner with another superchick, another bat decided to make its presence known by flying around us as we finished our delicious dessert. I had just cleaned up about fifty drugged and staggering ants on my floor, used another harmful insecticide to blast out the wasp families in the front of my business and now waited patiently for Mike again to come and rescue Bat number two from the Snow White homestead. Strangely this time around, after the initial scream and freak, my friend and I were quite calm. I had a strange sense of peace as I waited for Mike to arrive again. My friend kept her eye on the bat and I went into the kitchen and finished washing dishes. One of my favorite quotes from the one and only Wayne Dyer is, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Looking up the symbolism of all of these things no matter how silly it may seem does in fact create a shift in my otherwise annoyed feelings of overwhelmed single woman home ownership. Maybe the universe is trying to help me understand these things on a deeper level. Even if this is total bullshit, I like the way these shifts make me feel so it can’t be total bullshit if the end result is a deeper appreciation and understanding of my life. Like life, nature isn’t all about pretty zinnia and a freshly bloomed dahlia in my garden. There are hurricanes and tsunamis that literally shake things up. If insects and birds want to reside in my home and I can see a deeper meaning because if it, then the inconvenience is a mere bump in the road, just like all of the other bumps. All because of a bat. This is divine juicy living for sure.

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