NOT BUYING A CAR
One thing I know about myself is when I feel anxious, it translates into shopping and or eating. I learned this from Ann. When in doubt, when sad, when worried, shop. The spending of money whether you have it or you don’t have it satisfies. It is a distraction. Because I surely don’t need more stuff, I have taken to shopping for immediate gratification items like cars. Yes cars. Ridiculous, complete waste of money, but the thrill of getting a car in my head and walking into a dealership and buying a car and then driving off the lot with it in the same day is electrifying. For the past few days, I have had this bug in my head, but I refuse to allow its energy. Like a drink for an alcoholic, I keep saying to myself, the car will be there after my son graduates from college or in this case, a day at a time, tomorrow. Thankfully I have not caved because I do not need a car, nor do I want one. I am paying for my son to go to college and that is my car at this time in my world. Besides, my dearest oldest best friend needs a car badly and if I were going to have any whim it would be to get her a car. Yep, I can rationalize anything on the thrill of the hunt.
I am sure that this feeling that comes over me is to fill the hole of worry and fret that has stemmed from MY DOCTOR VISIT. There are two voices that go like this.
VOICE # 1 (the voice of reason aka my grandfather, Herbie, Mr. pragmatic and Mr. live till you are 99 and counting)
“You do not need a car. You are paying for your son to go to school and that is expensive enough for a sharing parent to have to accomplish. You have a car. Save your money.”
VOICE # 2 (the voice of Ann? Dad? throw caution to the wind, buy now, fill the hole now, worry later, you can always worry later, right? It’s only a $___ monthly payment. GO for it.)
“Oh just buy the flippin car, what the fuck, you work hard, you had cancer twice, who knows how long you will be on this side of the ground, enjoy your life, buy the car.”
As I write this, it sounds absolutely ridiculous. The ability to rationalize irrational thoughts astounds me. The fucked up thing is I am not even drinking alcohol or eating sugar right now which is usually my go to reason for irresponsible behavior. It is stress and worry. No hiding it.
What if my son has the BRCA2 genetic mutation? Will it be like an instant replay rewind of my brother all over again? I am trying hard not to visualize this because I surely know from many experiences not to affirm negative thinking. I think it is a totally natural thought, self-protection to prepare myself for worse case scenario. I am pragmatic, resilient. I know that my work is to work on staying in the moment. I know that everything about this scenario is out of my control. I must let it go.
So today when I woke up after my coffee, after my morning garden walk, after my inhalations of honeysuckle and my new rose bush, I did what usually gives me a full on sense of calm, besides chocolate or sweet bread French toast that is, I called my friend Karen. Karen is like a maternal soul to me, I lived across the street from her for almost twenty years and when Dave and I separated I left my neighborhood with Karen and Bob in it too. I asked her if she wanted to go to Lowes and the consignment store with me.
Like Lucy and Ethel. Like Wilma and Betty. Shopping for more flowers for our gardens, laughing our asses off as I can usually persuade her to buy things she didn’t know she needed when she left the house with me. Birdfeeders, birdfood, garden project items to label our veggies. I laughed so hard as I watched her come out of Ace Hardware with the long wooden sticks we would need to ask her husband to cut for us to glue the plates onto for our garden label idea I saw at Mt. Hope Farm in Bristol, RI last week. I am talking laughing so hard I started crying. Better than a cry, a hearty deep, can’t catch your breath laugh is like a deep gut scream on a thrilling roller coaster ride. It releases your stress like nothing else and it comes out of nowhere. The laughing present.
Just what I needed.
Way cheaper than a car and way more responsible than a car.